What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 06:01
But, we were locked up after school.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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(And it was in our own minds.)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She found it foreign!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Was there a British ‘genocide’ of Aboriginal Australians?
I never cut or harmed myself..
I think the readers, may guess!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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Im still living with it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I waited trembling.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My family never makes their pension either.
She wouldn,t have been !
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
What did i know ?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was 9 years of age.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I don,t even have a pension.
I will be 64.
I write beautiful poetry .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is soul school!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was scared of men, in general
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She loved him until the end.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So, i spoilt her more .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Comes on , in middle age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was in good health!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It was going to be , some day.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And i lived it daily.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We were not on the streets..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ive learnt so much.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Would this be the day?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But ive been too sick for many years..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My life is so biszare .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She married twice! .
He knew the spot.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was very sick at this time too.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
When she asked me how she looked .
All the time i was locked up.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was seconnd youngest,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We all went to grammer schools
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Put me off passion for life!!
I have no regrets .
One cannot live in the past .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But it wasn’t much.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So whats the point in blame.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I said to her
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I couldn’t, believe it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Who then, do I blame.?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.